the crush 11/11/09

the crush
 
i never have the courage
to tell you my deepest feelings
instead
when we’re together
i cover them up
with smiles
and jokes
and small talk
of inconsequential matters
 
with difficulty
i keep smiling
as you tell me about
your newest boyfriend
i control my urge
to pull you close
as you lay your hand on my arm
and tell me how
i really should find myself a nice girl
 
i have found one
the problem is
she doesn’t see me
a girl
who stars in my dreams night and day
a girl
i’d build my whole life around
a girl
who misses the
obviousness of my love
 
i can’t tell you
any of this
of course
i can’t bear the thought
that you might laugh
or
even worse
that you might feel sorry for me
because you don’t
share my feelings
 
my fear overwhelms my pain
i’m afraid
to take the chance
of losing what we have
afraid
to take the risk
you’d back away from me
away from the closeness
we now share
so i’d never get
the chance to win
 
so i watch you
from a safe distance
and i talk to you
but not of my feelings
and i go home
aching with loneliness
and beating myself up
for being a coward
as you go out
with your newest guy
 
©2009-Art Belliveau